Just the other day someone posted a warning note about not sharing information with “them”, to not give “them” information about you and your life. We have fallen so far into the realm of “Duality” that we’ve lost all sense of Our Oneness. For thousands of years, generations following generations deeper into the illusion of our separation and trapped in the fears of our unknowns we can no longer see ourselves in others. This higher state of consciousness is always here and even the chains and burdens of those fears are only temporary restraints. We have moved so far out into the illusion that we have built our castles upon the ever changing sands of time. Always in a state of evolution and destruction, history keeps repeating itself, even historians perpetuate this insane cycle. For generations we have been trying to invent our way out of and built upon the backs of science we are ever inching closer to our own demise. We are missing the “human” element and in all of this all the way from the “common” person to the greatest thinkers we are more focused on looking into the world we are creating and failing to recognize we have always built upon the foundation of our own fears of death and dying.
We have many examples of Windows to the Sky throughout history but still the “common” person is struggling with the day to day urge to survive both perpetuating planetary population and our own destructive nature at the same time. We have religions but we still struggle with Oneness. Science to many is the new religion and still we struggle with Consciousness. We are on the cusp of another paradigm shift and to know what is on the other side we are convinced there must be a struggle between the concepts of religions and the assumptions of science. The struggle between the two has been going on for centuries and emerging from the shadows is the new paradigm, oh religions will claim it is there’s and science will say this about that ever changing reality, but the new pioneers are those who are diving deeper into there own body/mind laboratory to discover what is true to them. There is no mistaking that there is more availability of information but we are barely scratching the surface of integrating all which has past into this new dimension. More and more, again like back in the Flower Children Age people are dropping more and more of the old, some finding there way into new religions and others diving deeper into the true Science Fiction. Those taking the time to calm the thoughts and find a deeper peace are beginning to integrate a greater reality beyond both science and religion but not altogether excluding either.
This Window, this Portal, this Mother Womb of All Wombs we have been crossing for generations and generations and each time there are always, “paradigm shifter’s” that are stepping across the barriers of what is and opening the doors of what can be. The day to day struggles are the manifestations of this larger shift in reality. Our efforts to either hold onto old belief structures or let go into how the unknown is going to unfold mystifies us. All of these possibilities and we are stuck in the minutiae of day to day jobs, families, wants and desires. In absentia we have left the exploration of consciousness, to preachers, doctors, scientists, mathematicians and while they explore the unknown we are grinding out pay check to pay check a life where we can give our children better than what we had. Our lives can certainly be better served by stepping into more of an ownership for the adventures of our soul. Rather than living by the guidelines placed before us, question those very principles and concepts until you actually own them. There is something fundamentally missing in our lives unless we do otherwise. If the military service and the trauma from that that I have been carrying for all of these years has taught me anything it is adversity has the greatest potential for showing you how deeply your faith goes. Belief systems are best served through the fires of challenges and the winds of time as they give you the understanding of “grit”. Integrity is something earned upon the anvil’s of time and hammered into a very fine instrument that can with stand all of the tests of time.
Through that next portal in your life see beyond the emotions and drama of the trauma and learn to embrace the strength you have gained. Oh it is there, tied up within the fears, the emotional angers, the self doubts and eternal questioning of your belief’s, it is there, that undying spirit which keeps us going. Though we have completed the sixteen sessions it mostly seems the adventure is just being renewed and inspired by the clarity of heart and mind. It does seem very appropriate to be taking this next week to go off, return to my home town taking with me all of this openness and re-connect to memories that I had left there when I got out of the military. I have made this trip many times over the last forty two years but this seems different and is different in many ways and the clarity of that will become more present only by taking this adventure now. As I am honored to have the space to delve into all of these things that most never have the time for; I am asked in return to share, to include all of you and yours in these days of meditation, contemplation, prayer and elevation. There is no movement in our lives without risk and no reward in our life without an attitude of gratitude, especially for those most difficult of challenges we have and we shall go through.
Also during this period, the fenghuang was used as a symbol representing the direction south. This was portrayed through a male and female facing each other. Their feathers were of the five fundamental colors: black, white, red, green, and yellow. These colors are said to represent Confucius‘ five virtues:
- Ren: the virtue of benevolence, charity, and humanity;
- Yi: honesty and uprightness; Yì may be broken down into zhōng, doing one’s best, conscientiousness, loyalty and shù: the virtue of reciprocity, altruism, consideration for others
- Zhi: knowledge
- Xin: faithfulness and integrity;
- Li: correct behavior, propriety, good manners, politeness, ceremony, worship.
The phoenix represented power sent from the heavens to the Empress. If a phoenix was used to decorate a house it symbolized that loyalty and honesty were in the people that lived there. Or alternatively, a phoenix only stays when the ruler is without darkness and corruption (政治清明).
Gu=dark and Ru=light, moving from the darkness to the light is how I apply this. These treatments are both bringing things up from my past and also giving me the opportunity to “lighten” the memories up. There is still much mystery for me around the events of my military experience, how on one hand some people call us heroes and on the other hand why I feel so immoral for ever supporting the murder and killing of another person. I was pretty far removed from the consequences of those actions but none the less I worked on the planes that carried and dropped death upon others. Those fellow servicemen that were on the ground sure supported those efforts we made to keep the planes going so they could drop ordinance in support of their ground operations. There were also countless missions where “our” planes wiped out bridges and ammunition facilities, always at the risk to the pilot’s and navigator’s and any unlucky person on the ground. I thought it was the cool thing to do to write on the bombs messages of death to people I had never met. Maintaining a sense of control was no more than trying to stay in step with those around me. Doing otherwise than what was expected would have had dire consequences.
This and many more memories are finally going to see the light of day as I begin counseling with the VA this Saturday. I hope to find out what is real and how to unveil, uncoil and how to elevate a period in my life where it was normal to live in fear. Fear and that active adrenaline is what kept you safe and alert around thousands of pounds of bombs and when we went to Korea nuclear bombs. I never took much to serious when I was a kid growing up and then all of a sudden to be right in the middle of your worst nightmare was in fact a nightmare in it self. I am one of the blessed ones having found my way out of the alcohol and drug abuse into a holistic life-style where yoga, meditation and nutritional awareness greatly decreased the active symptoms of depression, anxiety, paranoia, and a handful of other anti-social behaviors. I am kind of doing this backwards or my way, I am finally going to sit down with trained and experienced military veterans to help me sort any lingering issues out. If you know someone that is avoiding or trying to cope with trauma there are tons of resources out there and if one thing doesn’t work then they need to keep going to find that magic elixir that will help bring peace of mind. It does exist, just depends on what you are made of.
So out of our past we can rise and we can move beyond the hardened memories into a more fluid life. There are no surprises here, we are all very unique and trauma impacts all of us differently. In that personal uniqueness you will find a way to bring your own past/present/future together in a healthier way. There is a part in all of us that understands darkness is something we all deal with every day of our lives. A good man practices his disciplines so that that darkness does not shut out the light. A bad man practices his disciplines so that he will find his way back into the light. The Rising of the Phoenix reminds us all that much of the greatness of who we are comes out of the the greatest challenges that seemingly want to devour our own spirit/soul.
Probably the most challenging of the many symptoms that can be associated with trauma for me was how my memories once hidden could be triggered to the surface through indirect association, music, the sound of aircraft, the sight of other Veterans, and news headlines to name a few. On January 23, 1968, the USS Pueblo, a Navy intelligence vessel, is engaged in a routine surveillance of the North Korean coast when it is intercepted by North Korean patrol boats. This last January was the fiftieth anniversary of this incident, perhaps you gave it a thought, perhaps you have no historical reference and perhaps you lived somewhere else during that time. We were just finishing our operations off of the coast of Viet Nam and expecting a “stand down” return to port for R & R in the Philippines when our Carrier task force was called to respond to the incident. Many sailors lived this event and when on this anniversary I met some of these Sailor’s it was more than emotional. That chance meeting in the middle of Santa fe Farmer’s Market also confirmed I was not as alone as I thought I was.
It has taken me several days to realize that there is in fact a Joy of Life I have always carried. Jiwan means Life. I would say most of the time that is how my life has gone, but for those few years in the service when Joy was continually rocked by images of death and dying. Now half way through the Shen treatments there is a constant vibration beyond negative or positive where thoughts are very much quieter in fact for several days the writing words have also become quieter, like thoughts they are always there they just get quieter and we have to slow ourselves and quiet ourselves to hear them. In that increased silence I sense there is a Joy of Life returning, has always been there and takes me back to very early years in my childhood. We have been talking about “erasing trauma”, but also remember there is no eraser big enough to do that. At the half way point it is beginning to feel more like all of this is becoming integrated and though I am not quite sure what a whole person feels like it does feel more comfortable than knowing I am holding back, being held back, got my back to the wall or wondering who has my back. I know today, this is the moment I have trained for my whole life, to keep up with every breath.
Joy of Life is not not a thing that comes and goes it is always there, it has always been there and it will always be there and all of the trauma integrated is the Wisdom of that relationship. Integration is what brings us the experience and knowledge that we are all of this energy, the good and the bad, the high’s and the low’s, the passion and the compassion, the love and the hate and the pleasure and the pain “it is All the same”. Being able to take the time to indulge my self, I am privileged to be doing this at a time when most of the people my age are re-tired and those that are still working around I am honored to know you. The terrain is always changing, moving through the movement of light, sound and wind and sometimes the earth opens up and the deepest hottest most acidic parts come boiling to the surface whether we are ready for it or not. Trauma is like a boil that comes to the surface creating an incredible pressure upon the skin surface until we are forced to deal with “it”. And, yet, the boil is not not the trauma, it is the symptom of something else going on deeper under that surface and some feel this and some can deal with this without it ever having to be lanced and some of us have to go through the entire drama of the trauma to understand that it is “All Energy”. That is integration and that is how we get to “Integrating the Trauma”.
There is much on a microcosm level that is being left unsaid because of its relationship with the greater extension of the universe. Part seven is a bit deeper journey into the this label reading trauma. The physical body can be so traumatized so you are left only with a mind full of mental exploration, until the underlying emotions relating to and surrounding this physical body are addressed; exploring, understanding and articulating some of these adventures becomes even more challenging. There is a lot written about freeing the body and free the mind and we have been talking about freeing the breath so we gain a deeper understanding of our emotions. The unanswered questions are stored in the subconscious and now we are beginning to understand that much of these old memories are stored in the physical body tissues. As taught by Yogi Bhajan the subconscious a part of the positive mental body, there to remind us, affirm for us the things we are doing right in our lives. Further, what happens when the positive mind is over loaded with negative experiences the over load is then stored in the subconscious. This then dilutes the positive affirmations and they become the “yes but’s” we use to keep from moving forward.
Shen Master Dr. Harijot did the acupuncture needles on me today and the Chinese to English translation is Golden Tower. There are things a nearly blind octogenarian acupuncturist sees when he has been trained and speaks the language of ancient Chinese medicine that bare mentioning. He described a picture he sees of a Golden Tower that runs from the top of your head down to the navel point linking body, mind, and spirit. Now perhaps you can understand a little more how all trauma and how we deal with it is a part of every part of our lives. Just ask Merriam-Webster Dictionary, trauma is a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury. Really. Looks like, to me pretty much everyone of us is suffering or has suffered from some sort of trauma. If we are still here we are adapting, but at what cost before we look for another way of dealing with the same old problems. Right now at this moment who wouldn’t want a little less stress in their life? And then maybe we could start doing more than just adapting and calling it living.
When I left the military I knew nothing of the alternative health movement but began to understand a bit, those first six years after I didn’t feel very stable on the inside and staying in a single relationship for a and period of time, impossible. And I have reconnected with very few people from my past until just a few years ago when we had our high school fiftieth year class reunion. With a lot of encouragement from class members I made the drive from New Mexico to Central California though very physically tiring and emotionally elevating I left with a sense that I wanted connected more. There is something about home town life that takes on a different dimension when you go off to the service. Family and friends can be a great anchor and family and friends can be the hardest at times. There is no such thing as post trauma. Once it has happened you live with it every day of your life no matter how well you keep your lives together. Family’s of deployed servicemen and women have to deal with separation issues and the possibility that family members wont return, that is a kind of stress all unto its own. And, when a family member returns and you know they are not all there is just another level all unto itself, hard. I have to wonder why we keep doing this to each other, people we know and people we don’t know but call our enemies. There is this terrible unspoken guilt around this institutional trauma and it pays a heavy mental, emotional and even spiritual toll upon all of us.
So, healing trauma may start with the individual but as we all share in this one will never be singularly healed completely until everyone is. To me this is where the paradigm shifted when I began to remember I was not alone, though many times it felt that way and still today just a little bit. I have family and friends that have carried the consequences of my actions and reactions. To them and all of you in the same boat my most deepening apology. It has taken years to get back to this part of my life and I have realized that those ten years still impact much of the choices and decisions I make on a daily basis. I was a deeply religious young man when I entered the service and ten years later all of the tenets I held on to as a part of my belief systems were shaken to the core. Today the core is stronger than ever and I get to remember many great things about this life, the experiences I have had and the great people that live there lives as best they can. I saw a Veteran the other day and though I had no idea what level of trauma he or his family has had to endure I stood witness to the courage in their lives that it has taken to get here.